I’m getting very good at first dates. I’m getting very good because I go on a lot of them.

I’m choosing to ignore the possibility that I may in fact be terrible at first dates and that’s why I find myself on so many of them.

Instead, I choose to believe that people enjoy being in my presence so much they feel bad that others miss out. And that’s why guys don’t want to see me again, they just don’t want to be greedy. How admirable.

It’s this deluded positive attitude that I’m sure makes me so great at dating. I’m sure people just get too overwhelmed at my awesomeness that they can’t possibly spend more time with me.

I mean, what else could it be? (Don’t answer that)

Dating in your 20s really is a masterclass in rejection. It does wonders for the ego.

It’s also the time in your life that you figure out what you really like. Just as attending more house inspections makes you realise you simply must have an island bench in your home, dating more guys makes you realise things like a genuine interest in gender equality and politics are non-negotiable.

So, not only do I now have a shady dating record, I also have incredibly high expectations of the type of men I want to date. Which is such a great situation to be in. Seriously, it’s the best…

Surprisingly, it doesn’t always work out.

When you first start dating as a single gal, you grip onto those corny, throw away lines when it inevitably goes to shit.

“There’s plenty more fish in the sea”.
“Everything happens for a reason”.
“His loss, he doesn’t know what he’s missing”.

Then when you’ve heard it all for the thousandth time, you’re like:

"You deserve SO much better."

I’ve been through this process enough that I’ve now got pre-programmed responses to choose from. Rejection archetypes if you will.

There’s the self-analytical, slightly soul-destroying set which includes “What is wrong with me?”, “Did I talk too much?”, “Am I terrible in bed?” and “Is my ass too big?”.

You could swing the other way for the blame-shifting bunch featuring “Fuck you, you’re a jerk”, “Your jokes weren’t even funny” and “I was only using you for the sex anyway”.

Or, if it’s all just too hard, there’s a deep, resounding ‘Meh’.

Self-reflection and frustration are both important phases. But I really enjoy ‘Meh’. It’s when you’ve got zero fucks to give and nothing to lose. It’s not getting excited about nice text messages, cute comments and sweet kisses because you know you’ll be swiping right again next week.

But ‘Meh’ has its downfalls. You get a bit reckless after a while. Forget the social cues and weird conversational dance that’s supposed to go on before you delve into conversation on politics, religion and Tinder histories.

The small talk gets sped up. There’s no time for formal niceties when I’m trying to figure out if you’re a progressive dude with good morals and no weird, lingering feelings for your ex.

I’m so close to being the creepy E-Harmony guy with a checklist it’s not funny.

e harmony.png

You would think I’d be worried about this, that I’d tone it down and pretend to be a bit more normal. Nope.

I’m not dating half-assed for two reasons. Firstly, because I’ve got a Bridget Jones butt and secondly because my time is too precious to waste playing the ‘Cool Girl’. It’s just not me. I’d prefer that people get freaked out in the first week so we can both move on with our lives.

After all, I’ve got snarky blog posts to write 😉